2023 U SPORTS XC Not Trackie Predictions Part 3

Here’s a tip, don’t eat carrots at a nap convention. Also, don’t write predictions at the last minute. Onto the top 5.


5. UNB

Yeah, Emily Doucet has us convinced after taking the AUS dub. Sierra Rodrigues also had a good one in Halifax and we’re thinking Laura Dickinson is about to hit fire alarm in a smoke zone mode and absolutely go off. But what really convinced us was this team’s tactic of going to sleep with their racing uniform on top of the covers. To solidify their top 5 position they are going to have to take it one step further and sleep IN the racing uniform. Spikes too. If they can do that, we are all aboard the UNB hype train.

Verdict: needs more pj’s.

4. St. FX

Yeah, get out your lava lamps because the X Women are vibing out there this season. Not sure they’ve gone high heel mode like the men’s roster, but they’ve been cranking out some solid runs. Weren’t far behind Laval at the interlock. They also beat McMaster earlier in the year on this very same London course. Allie Sandluck, Eileen Benoit and Mairin Canning lead it up front and then there’s Caden Lee and Caroline Ash. This team definitely sits in the dressing room before races and plays Pink Floyd with an entire colour spectrum of lava lamps. Really tunes their retinas to locate every single divot in the grass and find the optimal footing. Wow.

Verdict: Needs more lamps.

3. Laval

Le rouge et or avait une chance de remporter trois victoires consécutives, mais malheureusement, Sara-Pier Paquet n’a pas l’air de chausser les crampons pour cette fois-ci. J’espère qu’elle va bien. Mais tout espoir n’est pas perdu. Camille Boudreau a été finaliste de U SPORTS au 600m, et Camille Riopel est de retour. Alice Cote-Allard et Élodie Castonguay-Girard courent bien. Mais surtout, Jade Bérubé et Catherine Beauchemin sont de «retour sur leur bullshit». Beauchemin a mis un océan entier entre elle et le peloton au RSEQ. Elle est une menace de victoire au U SPORTS, certes, mais des sources nous disent que l’équipe ont des croutes à manger. Combien de pain mangeront-elles? How much PAIN will they be able to suffer through??? Nous savons un chose, cette équipe injectera suffisamment d’énergie dans la piste de danse pour provoquer un tremblement de terre. L’auto est lavée.

Verdict: needs more croutons.

2. Western

Huge opener for Heidi Ohrling at OUA’s and suddenly the stangers are straight steady with UBC. It could be a close one folks. UBC wants it, they lost by one point last year. Western wants it too, they’re on home turf. Sources are telling us this team has been sleeping on gold-infused pillow cases to get a craving for the stuff, might give them an extra jolt down the home stretch. I sleep on a pillow infused with chips ahoy cookie crumbs. That probably wouldn’t work too well. Erika Michael Jordan is slam dunking out there this season launching J’s like special K’s, and then there’s STILL Olivia Roussel and Sandra Guga. I feel like those two build chemistry by regularly hopping in canoes together. It doesn’t matter that it’s cold now. They still send it. J strokes all day.

Verdict: needs more pillows.

1. UBC

Yeah well you heard it here last, the UBC cleves are the favourite to win this one. Katie Newlove finished 31st last year and is a favourite to win this time around. I don’t think she’s the kind of person to let the pressure get to her either. She doesn’t give a fuck out there. Dangerous stuff. Someone could yell “Katie you suck” and she would literally step off the course, give you a wedgie, and then get right back into the lead pack. Wow. Who else do they got? Kyla Becker had a huge run last year and was super strong to start the season. There’s also Jennifer Erickson, Holly MacGillivray, Rachel Mortimer, Jouen Chang, and Marley Beckett. They put 7 in the top 12 at CanWest. This team even dialed into the champion mindset by emulating DINOS for “hype week.” THE UBC DINOS BABY. KATIE NEWLOVE, KYLA BECK, HOLLY MAC, RACHEL RICK AND MORTIMER, JOUEN CHANG, MARLEY BECK, TWO BECKS! IDK WHAT’S GOING ON AT THIS POINT BUT YELLING IS USUALLY A GOOD SIGN. DUB.

Verdict: Needs more caps.


5. UNB

This is the only one we’re sure about on the men’s side here. UNB top 5 baby. High Five. Borat mode. Jared Howse and his absolute domeshow are about to book your entire calendar I mean he’s going to get real busy out there on Sunday. Will Boyle seems like a pretty nice dude. I don’t think we’ve seen the best yet from Isaac Cull and Mitchell Kean. Keaner was 5th in the 1500 at U SPORTS last March. Then there’s this Ben Perrett guy who’s been an absolute brick. The one thing the team seems to be lacking is hype. They all appear fairly quiet from an outside perspective. Maybe I’m wrong though. Maybe Ben Perrett can play expert drums on rockband. We’ll find out on Sunday.

Verdict: Needs more volume.

4. Guelph

The Gryphons laid down enough pipe to reconstruct the Roman Empire at OUA’s, but this top four could honestly play out in any one of the 24 possible permutations. We think Nick Bannon is legit. So then it comes down to Max Davies. CAN WE TRUST HIM? If we can indeed trust him, then it’s looking good because Christian Detroit Rachner City is usually primed for these high pressure events. Then there’s Rohan Nowbotsing, Gaetano Pocchi, Adam Schmidt and his tennis ball cut, and Jack Lehto. NOWBOTSING, CAN WE TRUST HIM? On one hand, expert source Soupy Campbell has stated that “nobody has been stupid this year, usually someone gets donkeyed.” So that’s a really good sign. On the other hand, there have been sleepwalking shenanigan reports that we haven’t been able to properly factor into the equation. We’re gonna render those irrelevant and just put the Gryphons in fourth with big upside potential.

Verdict: Needs more trust.

3. Queen’s

Oh baby the Queen Latifahs were looking Oscar the Grouch habitat type nasty until things went broken zipper mode and came undone at OUA’s, reportedly due in part to stubborn profs being inflexible with test times. Loser profs suck, but it’s definitely better to iron out the bugs at OUA’s than U SPORTS. The question now though becomes, JUDE WHEELER-DEE, CAN WE TRUST HIM? Our projections are looking pretty good if you can. Especially since Miles is Bracken and burying runners and Will Cox really knows how to put the mustard on it. The guy reportedly makes the squiggles used in all the mustard ads. That takes real steady hands, and you know what they say about steady hands? Elite spike pin insertion skills. That’s right, Will Cox is able to lock the spike pin into the exact spot on the spike plate that allows for maximum grass grip (MGG). We haven’t even said anything about Roman Candle Mironov yet who is ready to fire off at least 18 loud, crispy ones. Angus Skinner and Tanner Hueglin showed they are reliable in support at OUA’s. After 5k these boys will know it’s three more until Creemore.

Verdict: needs more zippers.

2. UBC

I seriously considered putting these guys in first on the back of Andrew Davies’ Triple O celly alone, but in the end it wasn’t enough. Johnny San Pelle is back though, and he might make up for a sub-par day last year with a nasty one. Sources have said he has been regularly downing maple cinnamon frosted flakes. Dangerous stuff. He’s been a full carbs diet advocate this year, saying the secret soup ingredient for the squad has been sourdough on the side. That’s unprecedented. I wanna see what kind of gas fuels Jaiveer Tiwana’s motor. 99 octane? Pure Brussels sprout diet for that guy. The “s” on Brussels pisses me off by the way. Your vegetable isn’t cool Belgium. Shut up. Dylan Uhrich, Riley Miller, and Sacha Schimmels have been shimmying the shake out there this year. And you never know when Dwyer might go hulk mode and smash one. We think Davies was just what this team needed. The guy has been actively seeking out hills on long runs. He broke the McMaster fourth place curse, and now he will try to help the Tbirds break theirs.

Verdict: Needs more sourd-(triple)O’s

1. Laval

Je ne savais pas vraiment qui mettre en «pole position» (première position) jusqu’à ce que je voie cette vidéo instagram publiée. Cela m’a facilité la tâche. Vous vous moquez de moi? C’est incroyable. C’est équipe de cool coupés blonds est plus piquant qu’une boulette de viande qui a mariné dans une sauce tomate au poivre fantôme pendant 69 ans. PLUS PIQUANT. POIVRE FANTÔME. Jean-Simone a gagné les pan-ams avec un faceplant pour faire bonne mesure. JoTed a les flux le plus méchant du jeu. Morecar a tellement des cars. L’autre raison pour laquelle nous plaçons ces gars en premier est que Girardin et Saal se sont tous deux illustrés l’année dernière lorsque c’était important. Les boys sont les maîtres du «peak». PEAK MAÎTRES. Peuvent-ils recommencer? Si vous avez encore des doutes, veuillez voir ce qui suit.

Verdict: Needs more meatball.

That’s it. Good luck tomorrow.


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