2023 U SPORTS XC Not Trackie Predictions: Pt. 2

Alright let’s get into the top 10. First of all, just in case you’re questioning our predictive ability, here’s a short summary of last year.

Poll, women
Not Trackie, women
(Place, Diff)
Coaches Poll, men
(Place, Diff)
Not Trackie, men
(Place, Diff)
1Laval (1, 0)Laval (1, 0)McMaster (1, 0)McMaster (1, 0)
2Guelph (3, 1)UBC (2, 0)Laval (2, 0)UBC (4, 2)
3UBC (2, 1)Guelph (3, 0)UBC (4, 1)Laval (2, 1)
4Western (4, 0)Western (4, 0)Queen’s (3, 1)Guelph (5, 1)
5McMaster (7,2)McMaster (7, 2)Guelph (5, 0)Queen’s (3, 2)
6UBCO (5, 1)UBCO (5, 1)Western (7, 1)Dalhousie (6, 0)
7Sask (12, 5)St. FX (9, 2)Dalhousie (6, 1)Alberta (8, 1)
8Queen’s (10, 2)Victoria (8, 0)Alberta (8, 0)Western (7, 1)
9St. FX (9, 0)Queen’s (10, 1)McGill (9, 0)McGill (9, 0)
10Windsor (14, 4)Sask (12 ,2)Victoria (10, 0)Victoria (10, 0)

That’s right. Not Trackie 16, Coaches 20. We’re smarter than all of your coaches and this isn’t our full time job. Rekt. ANYWAY…


10. Sherbrooke

Beaucoup de gens aiment cette équipe. Peut-être un peu trop, mais peu importe. Elles ont «brooké» les Carabins au RSEQ et PEUT-ÊTRE que Laurence Gauthier PEUT ÊTRE leur phénomène de l’inclinaison du moulin à vent pour accompagner Quirion du côté des hommes. À part elle, il y a Eulalie Martel, Elana CM, Véronique Ducharme, et «you can get your girlfriends and meet them at Desautel room». Combien d’autres équipes la Verte et Or va-t-elle mettre dans le «brook» (ruisseau)?

Verdict: Needs more brooké.

9. Victoria

Idk folks, I feel like I’m gonna regret this one but I’m slotting the Vikings in at 9. We know from the ghost of AP past that the Viking women are masters of disguise, in that they usually rock some pretty swaggy attire, but it might also mean they’re better than we think they are. The coaches have ’em at 7. They’re gonna need a big run from top returner Caitlin Mann, and maybe Elise Coates and Anja Krueger are ready to go dropping sandbags from a hot air balloon mode and really lift off on this one. Delaney Chan ripped a big one last year. Erin Owens can rip big ones. We’ll see.

Verdict: Needs more big ones.

8. Queen’s

Still know next to nothing about this team so we’re gonna continue last year’s story and say that Lauren Lowther ditched Dal to join the Queen’s secret ninja Fort Henry fighting academy. That’s right. Those throwing star thingies? They got those. Ninja dust? They got that too. Sneak attacks? They got that in ninja school, but do they got it on the XC course? 10th place last year, but if Lowther, Lane, and Vroom can make some sort of ninja triangle that might be enough for Graham and Alkerton to assist. Triangles are key here. We all know scalene is best. FUCK ISOCELES. FUCK EQUILATERAL. SCALENE GANG. LET’S GO.

Verdict: Needs more geometry

7. Guelph

Idk what say folks we ran stuff through the vibe generator and Guelph came out in seventh but let me tell ya, Julia Agostinelli had a full bingo card at OUA’s and this team has other athletes who are capable of doing that at U SPORTS. Coupla B-I-N-G-O’s and they’re like a table just before dinner, absolutely set. What are those coloured things that you use to cover the bingo card numbers called? Chips? I’m ordering all dressed. This team needs to order BBQ laser beams.

Verdict: Needs more lines.

6. McMaster

Yeah ya know what? The lady birds lost to the Gryphons at OUA’s but that might be a good sign for a team that has underperformed at U SPORTS the last two years. Rosalyn Barret with the silvie medal ferda kids. Kayla Overholt doing some unique skips ferda skids. They might have the right formula this time around. The question is, have they stepped up their cereal game? We ripped ’em for the most boring pre-race meals ever in the pre-conference column. We’ll see if they took our advice OR DIDN’T.

Verdict: Needs more Cinnamon Toast


10. Alberta

Yeah, we’ve already taken some heat after part 1 for alluding the UofT hammer bros would finish between 9th and 11th. Well, fair enough, but you gotta understand that the Mac Boys have literally been railing solo this season, and let’s take a look at what sources have to say about the Berta Beauties:

“The Alberta Golden Bears have two key goals going into this year’s USPORTS Champs.
1) Retain their 2022 title as the team with the best facial hair. Although, this will be difficult after losing Riley Stuermer’s famous mutton chops.
2) Crack into the top 7, a feat that has eluded them with multiple eighth place finishes over the last five years.

The squad will be led by Will Cebuliak, who was their lowstick at CanWest snagging a first team all-star spot. Rumour has it his libido is at an all time high which might allow him to snag some low points with an All-Canadian spot on Sunday. Cassian Murray-White and Jason Ushko have been back and forth as Alberta’s second and third runners all season and we can’t decide what’s more intimidating; Ushko’s kick as a self proclaimed 600m guy or Murray-White’s ability to scream “Zoo-Wee-Mama!” moments after finishing a race. Coming in clutch for the boys at the CanWest champs was none other than Evan “Mr. November” Andrin. Hopefully his 10 years on the median age of the field has allowed him to time his peak in accordance with his self proclaimed nickname. Speaking of old, the team has picked up a couple senior rookies in Thomas Williams and Andrew Wienkauf. We don’t know much about these two, but one thing that’s for sure is that they are always feeling sexy on the course. Right in there with the rookie duo is 2nd year Matthew Cornect. The Newfie is perhaps the most locked in of the group, the only thing that might shake his focus is the inevitable Usports Cupid posts that will surely be submitted en mass with his pornstar-esk promo shots attached.”

Holy hell. U of T boys, we put you AHEAD of this! You’re welcome. We also know the Golden Bears have been blasting laps at the farm all season. The question is, how full is the barn?

Verdict: Needs more hay.

9. Toronto

The hammer bros have a solid 3 in Shore, Frangos, and Raftis. Can the rest of the squad slot the jenga pieces into the right spots or are they James Bond drink type shaky? That actually doesn’t sound too bad, and we also know they’re now pissed off from being ranked in the Gordie Howe position. Sources are telling us Zach Frangos has crane-lifted a concert-ready amplifier into the hotel room. He’s been using it to blast Muse bangers since the start of Friday, and the hotel staff can’t even get through the industrial-strength force field of sound to shut it off. That’s gonna get the boys going. If they can choose the optimal Super Mario Strikers leader they might be in for a good one.

Verdict: needs more Donkey Kong.

8. St. FX

We always like to joke about how the XMEN literally bushwack through poison ivy on their training routes but even they have stepped it up this year. Sources are telling us they’ve kept up the nature intensity of their workouts, but instead of using normal running shoes, they’ve been doing them all in high heels. Their calves are now fatter than a wad of cash getting tossed around in a mafia movie and they are ready to rip. They last cracked the top 10 in 2016. Are Joel Gallant and Jack O’Connell going to be good enough up front? Are their disproportionately large calves going to affect their stride? It might be a Griffin Gamble, but we’re prepared for the earful we’re gonna get if U of T beats em. XMEN. BETTER THAN THE SUPERHEROES.

Verdict: Needs more quad and hamstring.

7. Western

A lot depends on Ben Fox on the run here. You scream his name and everybody comes. This is starting to sound like some USPORTS cupid nonsense. Let’s be honest though, the Mustangs really sucked at OUA’s, but sometimes you have to shit the bed to realize you need new sheets (Not Trackie proverb). The good news is Marcel Scheele is on fire and they’ve got a home crowd to cheer them on. Boers and Sanders and Roycie boi gotta get on a stair machine and step it up. Let’s Go (thumbs up).

Verdict: Needs more stairs.

6. Victoria

We don’t know much about this team other than the fact that they mastered the crotch shot last year, so we took a quick glance at their social media, and enough said.

What the heck is that? A rhino? Do rhinos live in London? This might be THEE coolest thing in the city and these guys found it without being locals. Daniel Damian leads the squad and then a dude named Jaxon with an X. Anton Kuiper Belt, Tion McLeish, and Hayden Woodrow are definitely sharing a bed tonight these guys are maybe the tightest 3-5 in the league. The only thing is, rhinos don’t turn well, and unfortunately cross country isn’t a drag race. Hopefully the boys have done enough map scouting to have the angles figured out.

Verdict: needs more steering.


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