Yeah, sorry for taking a three week nap. Turns out if you eat seven crunch wrap supremes in one sitting you might not wake up.
Also, we finally finished writing this ZINE, called “Student Athlete Political Organizing 🤙420🔥 (Not 101).”
What’s a zine? The Art Gallery of Ontario says:
“A zine is usually a non – commercial, non professional publication, kind of like a magazine but with a twist. The main difference between a magazine and a zine is that zines are not out there to make a profit but, rather, to add other, often unheard voices into the mix. Zines are usually made out of interest and passion and are often self-published by the writer/artist/creator.”
So yeah. Could be worth reading. This one happens to contain Cinnamon Toast Crunch, Nickelback, and Larry Enticer. You know, the important stuff…
U SPORTS Recap
What the heck happened at U SPORTS? Johnny Gay and whoever the other dude was did a good job with the commentary on CBC even though the camera didn’t show anyone aside from the leaders. It ended up being more of a radio show with a constant view of first place.
You can finally find the results of the predictions contest HERE.
Women’s Race
The women’s race went barn door in gale force winds mode from the gun I mean it was just blown wide open with McNeil, Nankivell, and Eybergen sending everyone shopping at GAP.
Lauren McNeil took out a tube of gorilla glue and stuck the gas pedal fully to the floor about halfway through the race. It was smooth sailing from there. Eybergen fell off the lead around that time, and Nankivell was dropped about 1k later.
Paige Breedon went blended tomato mode and sauced everyone else who wasn’t in that lead group to finish fourth, which helped Water Water Water Loo Loo Loo finish eighth, ahead of Guelph AND Laval, I mean that entire Warrior roster just got hired to play maracas in a reggae band for 8k that day I guess because that’s an absolute shake up of the U SPORTS finishes we have come to expect.
For the top teams, it was an unfortunate day for the X-Women as they couldn’t repeat their bronze medal performance from 2023. That result really hyped us up here in the studio last year. All of their runners still have eligibility though, so we will see how many of them return for one more run at it.
Western was able to live up to their #1 ranking coming into the race. They locked down the gold behind beauty runs from Ashley Maguire and Olivia Roussel. All 5 of their runners were in the top 17. Jeeze.
The most interesting competition of the day was the race for second place between the two British Columbian teams. UBC deployed a steaming hot electricity missile combo topped with cheese as a charged up Rachel Mortimer and Mackenzie Campbell made their CanWest races look like a joke.
U Vic had a nasty run from Elyse Coates, but they’re gonna need the tuque and mittens too next time around. They finished in third, 9 points back of UBC.
Men’s Race
Pour les hommes, nous n’avons pas besoin de « more car ». Ce type est « really fuckin good ». Nous avons entendu dire qu’il était passé par le lave auto suffisamment de fois après la course pour mériter un lavage gratuit. C’est le respect.
Jared Howse had enough NHL on TNT theme horns blasting through his brain at all times out there and you have to think that’s why he was able to finish second. He’s got the energetic moves on the D floor too. Everybody take a drink.
Jared put the SKI in Podbielski by turning the last 400m into a downhill double black diamond blasterooni once this guy gets the snow sticks lined up into french fry mode there isn’t a Saskatchewan snow squall in existence that can cool down his internal combustion engine.
We were pulling for Benny Boi Benoit, who made a semi-surprise run for the podium once again, but he faded right at the end. We knew he would be wanting to toast marshmallows out there by going hot coal mode, and he did. Still good enough for fifth. Good guy.
Thomas Laviolette est probablement le coureur le plus sous-estimé de la ligue à l’heure actuelle. Il a arboré des brûlures latérales bleues impressionnantes en route vers une première équipe d’étoiles canadiennes pour la deuxième année consécutive.
Jude and the gang wheeled enough Dees to take the title without slotting anyone into a first-team all-Canadian position. Has that ever happened before? We know it hasn’t since at least 2009, for men or women. We need a research department that gets better funding to look into it more.
Les garçons du Québec ont démontré que le régime sirop-poutine est supérieur. Ils ont placé deux équipes dans les trois premiers. Vous vous moquez de moi? Laval est le roi des performances de U SPORTS. Rudy Saal a été l’un des grands artisans de la médaille de bronze. Mais ils n’ont toujours pas réussi à battre les garçons en vert. Les sharknados de Sherbrooke ont mis du beurre sur leurs baguettes super bas avec un senderoni de Richard Mathis qui leur a donné la médaille d’argent. Ils l’ont fait pour Buzingo, qui, nous l’avons malheureusement appris, est décédé en 2023. Que la légende repose en paix.