Intro

Alright we’re back. After a hectic Part 1 and 2 we needed a day off to recharge and eat some pizza pockets. During this time, I realized I made an unfortunate omission that has since been corrected (see bold below). My apologies for missing this important detail earlier.

6. McMaster

Unfortunate injuries did not stop this team from grinding to third at OUA behind a pretty stellar performance from Erin Mawhinney, who decided to make the entire field shit their pants before settling for bronze. She’s running it back for #OneMoreYear, and yet somehow Emma Waddington has been designated team grandma. Rumour has it the supporting cast might see some additions for Usports after overcoming an evil set of stairs. Is that enough for a top five finish? It could be. But every time I put a McMaster team up top it backfires, so they’re staying at six. Sources are telling me that on a scale of 1-ice cream cake this team rates the new T-Swift album an ice cream sandwich. That’s pretty good, and the album also references Pablo Neruda. If the Hammerton ladies can channel that kind of energy well, that’s a lot of hammers. Dark horse threat.

Verdict: Needs more hammer.

AND NOW BACK TO THE MAIN PROGRAM (thumbs up):

Women

4. UBC

Fourth place goes to the peanut butter ladies of BC, Bummy Cleves. I honestly have no idea what a cleve is, and when I asked sources, they replied with “If you know you know.” Nice. Urban Dictionary defines cleve as “An edgy, badass motherfucker. He’ll kick your ass at anything except Mariocart.” I guess I can roll with that, but being bad at Mariocart is embarrassing and more importantly, I don’t like the word’s phonetics. That’s honestly the main reason I put this team in fourth and not third. Sucks to suck. Find a new word OR DON’T… Glynnis Sim has been improving every race, and after her most recent bronze at CanWest she will be sniffing down all-Canadian status. Mackenzie has a special noisemaker for camping trips, which Zoe Doorenspleet routinely tags along for. Katie Newlove probably has the easiest name ever for a Usports Cupid post, and then Holly Mac, Jamie Hennessey, and Rachel Mortimer provide support for a very deep squad. As long-time fans of the show are probably aware, peanut butter is a pretty essential food to muck if you want to be good at running, and sources have told me this team is obsessed with it. On a scale of 1-“the most elite Peanut Butter you can find” I rate UBC a PC all-natural crunchy. If you’re unfamiliar with the peanut butter rankings, this one is definitely top tier. If only they had a better word than cleve.

Verdict: Needs more dictionary.

3. Western

The Purple Ponies have upped the ante this year with Chloe Hewitt joining an experienced squad along with rookie Chloe Coutts to amplify the electric factory that is powered by Kate’s Current. The Queen’s men might know how to pack it in, but the Western Women have definitely stapled industrial-strength super magnets to themselves this season, finishing each race as an absolute UNIT. The pasta force is strong with these ladies; I’ve heard they even blend it up for early-morning smoothies. No need for açai-berry-type antioxidant power fruit mixes, these ladies have figured out how to use all the oxygen they can get using only a few fusilli noodles. Ohrling, Burke, Ryall, and Carruthers round out one the deepest teams in the league; but will they get a low-stick performance from someone? Are you fusilli? They’re just gonna send it.

Verdict: Needs more stick (the low kind).

2. Laval

Let me tell you, sources have confirmed the Flying French Femmes REALLY know how to go Carly Rae Jepsen/Owl City mode and have a good time out there. They spend their days off ziplining from one side of le fleuve Saint-Laurent to the other using a wire they made from pure cheese. I’d have a cheese, but these ladies would rather finish their Saturday with une médaille d’or hanging around their rouge et or singlets. Coach Felix «Le Félin» has ensured the return of the Laval death loop, which les habitants have had more than enough experience running at this point. The monster hill on les Plaines will be looking for bodies, but it won’t find any of les Rouge et Or. This team has many fierce ladies who are «célibataires et ouvertes à faire des rencontres (single and ready to mingle) right after the finish line.» This definitely seems like the kind of mindset that is needed to complete the first half of a potential double gold on home turf.

Verdict: Needs more mingle (per sources).

1. Guelph

I had Laval at the top of my rankings all year, but that was before realizing hours of water-running meant Olivia Roussel had stored hours of untapped potential into her legs. When all you need for an eight K is give or take 30 calendar minutes, it’s easy to see how this approach could result in an exponential payoff. Apparently, she was able to wire the sound system in the pool to blast the Steve Aoki remix version of Pursuit of Happiness on repeat. Yeah, it’s an absolute rager in there during her sessions. That’s ironic considering, as Kendra Pomfret explains (thanks Jeff), pool running is anything but a pursuit of happiness. Even though everything that shines might not always be gold, Roussel has put the Gryphons into gold medal position. Kiana Gibson better make Denny’s Pancakes the food equivalent of her race on Strava if they win, because they’re unequivocally the best. Just ask Josh Kellier. Sadie-Jane Hickson, who has run some heaters this year, would disagree in favour of milk. Annika “Lululemon” Ariano will look to go minion mode on Les Plaines and run something incomprehensible. Behind her they have Nina Whitford, who was recently inserted into the lineup at OUA where she fired a rocket. Rumour has it she might decide to run this race in a parka. She must be a BYOP advocate (see part 1). Sandra Guga hasn’t been late to a start line yet, and with rookie Laura Kuszaj promoting the power of hot dogs I like this team to win as long as they stay loose.

Verdict: Needs more dance.

More to come (Fin)…

…or go back to Part 2