Cold Open
If you’re new, welcome. If you’ve been here before, welcome back. Canadian Running writers can only cover U SPORTS so well when they have deadlines to write a million other articles about stuff hobby joggers care about, like how long you should sit on an ice pack if your bum hurts. WE DON’T GIVE A DAMN ABOUT HOBBY JOGGERS. JUST SIT ON A BAG OF NO NAME PEAS. Experts estimate our columns are at least 28,980 times better due to our laser beam focus. THAT’S 420 X 69…
Anyway, we had a long, super cold open planned here about COVID protections (we’ve been advocating for those for a long time) but we’ll put it up next time. The gist of it is: holy heck folks, there’s so much awful shit happening to people around the world, literally the least you can do is help reduce the spread of infection by wearing a mask and staying home when you’re sick. I personally got COVID a third time in the summer after a roommate brought it into the house and still have long term symptoms. Could my roommate still bring COVID into the house if more people took precautions? Yeah. But it would happen a whole lot less. Figure it out.
See here for more common COVID misconceptions. Some smart scientists have compiled all of the links at which you can order N95 masks in Canada: maskevidence.org/findingn95s. There are also best practices for extended use. The fact that we’re still having to explain this to people shows how poor of a job public health has done even though they have always recommended masks.
On that note, let’s move on to the predictions, which we’ve made with surgical precision. Shoutout to Jack Armstrong for the cover photo inspiration. Go Raptors I guess. Not as good as THE DINOS.
CanWest Men
1. UBC
Lost: Dozzi, Niederhauser
Gained: Andrew Davies
The Tbirds made up for Dozzi with a doozi in Andrew Davies. This guy knows how to not come fourth. He’s been sending it along with 3-stooge member John Perrier. Jaiveer Tiwana has been decent and they have some bangers at the back with Schimmelpenninck, Dwyer, Miller, and this Dylan Uhrich guy. They all play drums in the team band. Unorthodox. Love to see it though.
2. Victoria
Lost: none
Gained: idek
The vikes had a young team last year crack the top ten as we predicted. They haven’t lost anyone. Danny Damian still leads the squad but Jaxon Kuchar has had a couple good runs too and second and third year athletes Webster and Waller have been picking up the slack. I’m Down With Webster. Second place.
3. Alberta
Lost: Stuermer, Arthur, Simone
Gained: Andrew Weinkauf, Andrew Leffers, Thomas Williams
The berta boys lost some high quality beef but a couple kids named Andrew seem to be filling the shoes somewhat decently and I know nothing about this Thomas Williams guy but the dude has a nasty stache. Need to check with the sources before U SPORTS to see what the vibes are like. Is Ronnyboi MacLean going to race? These guys picked up Evan Andrin of all people. Definitely the sort of person who can rub balloons on walls and inject electricity into the room. This team scored an elite-level 69 points last CanWest to edge out the Vikings, we’ll see if they can do it again.
4. Manitoba
Justin Kroeker is rolling pretty well for the Bisons and they are going to be locked into a battle with the Huskies here. 1v1 mode. His brother, Carson, will try to help him out and a supporting cast of Calvin Reimer and Noah Fillion are there to send it even though they’re better at 800s.
5. Saskatchewan
They’ve lost a couple of guys from their team last year but they still have a sick graphic design squad. These dudes will for sure have the most fun out there. They have a Webster of their own and the Cross Child brothers are ready to get stanced up and dance with the Kroekers. Let’s go.
CanWest Women:
1. UBC
Lost: Sim, Gibson, Hennessey
Gained: Jennifer Erickson, Jouen Chang
Oh baby the BC Cleves may have lost their top 2 finishers from 2022 but Becker and Newlove decided to take the elevator up to the low stick floor. Adding the U SPORTS 3000m champion Jen Erickson is pretty good. Canadian running didn’t pick up on that lol. Jouen Chang is a U SPORTS veteran as well and Rachel Mortimer is having a good year. It’s left to MacGillivray, Beckett, Fleming, or Amelia to fill the five pfohl.
2. Victoria
Lost: Ginther, Erickson
Gained: Elise Coates, Marisha Thompson
Tough to gauge how good the vikes are. Anja Krueger, Elise Coates, and Marisha Thomspon have all run well up front but none of them factored into the mix last year. We think the team has enough depth to hold on to the silver.
3. Saskatchewan
Lost: Julianna Engele-Lueke, Ryann Handley
Saskatchewan keeps their top five from last year, but Jenna McFadyen has yet to race. She was third in the 3000m at U SPORTS. Jenica Swartz and Jaira Cross Child have shown a lot of improvement this year, and Kaitlyn Harrison took the dub at the Stewy Cup. Harrison was fifth at U SPORTS in 2021 before the whole team had a real rough one in 2022. If they find their form again the Huskies could be Kenny Loggins type dangerous at U SPORTS.
4. Alberta
Lost: None
Well the golden pandas finished second to the Huskies in Saskatoon and Camrose but that was without Olivia Cooper. If she races it would be a pretty nasty add to the squad. If not, it’s up to Jazzy Fedds to hype up the squad by bringing a dump truck full of guitar amps. Zoe Flaman and Olivia Hopkins have been feelin’ alright. They’re gonna need a good run from someone else to crack the medals.
OUA men
1. Queens
Lost: Mitch Kirby
Gained: Angus Skinner, Will Cox
Is Will Cox nasty? He eats enough hot dogs to be. Tanner Hueglin has shown some big ups this season too and Brackenbury, Wheeler-Dee, and Mironov return. Elite squad. This pic is insane:
2. Guelph
Lost: Purnell, Hughes
Gained: Nowbotsing
I’m not sure if Adam Schmidt has enough coffee to hold this team of loose cannons together but it might be impossible if Nick Bannon starts freaking out. The team can’t bank on Christian Metamorphic Rachner pulling one out of his ass again. Second place.
3. Western
Lost: Ohrling, De Lange, Loucks
Gained: Owen Parkes
Ahhhh the Musty Men. Lost a couple bangers in Ohrling, De Lange, and Loucks. Gained a stanger in Owen Parkes. They’re gonna need enough guys to Parke the bus in the lead pack if they want to make sure they solidify a podium position. They finally had a decent showing in Hamilton after a couple rough openers. Who’s Tom Boers? We’re labelling him as the X Factor. No pressure. Just have fun out there pal.
4. U of T
The Blues slept their top guys all season but then came out swinging at the Waterloo and Bayfront Open with Frangos, Raftis, and Shore. Still couldn’t beat a lacking Gryphons squad tho. They will have to battle it out with the Marauders for fourth to see which squad is the best hammer bros. Although idk if they’re trying to reference the mario kind or the hardware store kind.
5. McMaster
Lost: Everyone
Gained: Kamran Brar, Ryan Davies
Well folks this team is like hitting the reset button on your computer or shaking an etch-a-sketch, an absolute fresh slate. Connor Lashley is out there looking like Lord Farquad and they’re gonna need some big pulls from Kamran Brar and Ryan Davies if they want to take the hammer squad bragging rights. If Lukas Vadeika shows up with a couch that might be enough. Hammer Boys vs. Hammer Time Track Club showdown.
OUA Women
1. Western
Lost: none
Gained: Guga, Roussel
Pretty good pickups to add the 9th and 28th placed runners from U SPORTS in 2022 and with Sophie Coutts, Chloe Coutts, and Erika Jordan this team is looking solid. Anne Carruthers provides good support, she’s definitely someone who can be in the scoring 5 depending on the day.
2. Guelph
Lost: Guga, Roussel, Hickson
Gained: Nicole Hartnell
The Gryphons showed they’re still a factor at the Bayfront open with some solid runs from second year Alex McDougall, third year Julia Agostinelli, and fifth years Nina Whitford and Laura Yantha. If Cameron Ormond races it’s gonna be close with Western, otherwise they need a good run from someone else. Maeve Pestonji or Nicole Hartnell might be able to do it.
3. McMaster
Lost: Sarah Nolan, Emma Waddington, Morgan McKeown
Gained: Ella Madsden
The Marauders really know how to sandwich them in there putting their 2nd-6th runners 10 seconds apart at the Bayfront open. Speaking of sandwiches, I recently saw a post detailing the squad’s favourite pre-race dinners and the answers were boring as heck. Mix in a little cinnamon toast or you’re not getting a medal, let alone beating Guelph. If one of Guelph’s low sticks has a rough day and the Marauders make sure to add lettuce and tomato, they might sneak one past ’em. Sandwiches without lettuce and tomato are brutal. It’s like eating plain pasta. F.
4. Queen’s
Lost: Plouvier
Gained: Lowther, Alkerton
Queen’s just doesn’t seem to have the firepower up front here, although Lauren Lowther has been running well after placing 35th at U SPORTS last year for Dalhousie. Queen’s needs a big run from Emma Graham and needs Lizzy to Vroom down Ella Lane to medal.
RSEQ Men
1. Laval
Lost: Antoine Minfray
Gained: Alexis Lepage
Ya kidding me? Philippe Morneau-Cartier is surfing car hoods. Il surfe sur les capots des autos. JSD and Te-desch-i sont de retour et font une bonne rime. Ils ont Alexis Lepage, Rudy Saal, et Pierre-Yves Normandin aussi. Les gars sont grondent (thunder emoji).
2. McGill
Lost: Matt Beaudet
Gained: Sean Adams, Sam Hepworth
Big loss in Matty Beaudet, GROSSE PERTE. But the McGill men are still rolling. Los pajoros rojos, as they like to be called. Good Instagram account. It’s Jack (Stanley) and (Jerome) Jacques up front for the Redbirds as well as Thomas Windisch.
RSEQ Women
1. Laval
Lost: Lacourse, Caron, Turcotte
Gained: Camille Riopel, Fanny Hotton-Daigneault
Tous les rapports indiquent que les autos ont été lavées, mais Lacourse et Caron sont des GROSSES PERTES. Elles seraient élites. Laval va essayer de se ménager pour cette course et préparer tous les gadgets pour U SPORTS, mais elles feraient mieux de se méfier des Carabins dans le rétroviseur aussi. Les objets réfléchis par le retroviseur sont plus pres qu’ils ne le paraissent. Je ne sais pas ce qu’est un Carabin.
2. Montréal
Lost: Aglot, Gabrielle Champigny, Joelle White
Gained: Elodie De Coene, Clara Gal
With De Coene returning to the squad, les Carabins pourraient lancer un défi à Laval pour la victoire. Poirier et Garnier sonnent comme des marques de shampoo. Elles pourraient prendre la course au nettoyeur (english term). Essentiellement, elles sont très rapide. Celui-ci pourrait être proche. N’oubliez pas que les carabins se sont classés sixièmes l’année dernière au U SPORTS.
AUS Men:
1. UNB
Lost: Sam Lamont, Cameron Harris
Gained: Sam Richter
There’s no place like dome at UNB as far as Jared Howse is concerned, and as long as he’s out there zipping along it’s huge motivation for the rest of the roster to send it. Isaac Cull is back. They need to get a little more out of him. Will Boyle’s had a couple decent ones too so far.
2. St. FX
Well the boys lost Jacob Benoit to Dalhousie but they still have Irish and Scottish sounding dudes like O’Connell, McGarvey, and Gallant training in absolute monsoons out in New Brunswick to ensure the guys challenge at AUS. Don’t write them off.
3. Dalhousie:
Lost: Rosen, Cox, Grimshaw-Surette
Gained: Benoit
The Dal Wrecking crew is no more but you better believe Goslett and Nicky Robs are still gonna go Miley Cyrus mode out there especially with the addition of Benoit into the fold. Interested to see how this one plays out. Will always hold that team deep in my heart. Milk boys ftw.
AUS Women
1. St. Fx
Lost: Breanna Sandluck
Gained: Eve Carreau
The team returns their top four scorers from last year and just like the men’s side they get their fitness levels up by bushwacking 2km loops in the swamp. I’ve never seen anything like it. Second at interlock a bit behind Laval and third early on at the Vigars invite.
2. UNB
Lost: Eve Carreau
Gained: Laura Dickinson, Olivia Bagley
Last year we put this team in the ninth position for the first set of rankings and described it as “Howe for now.” If they can go Gordie Howe Hat-Trick mode and really dial in here they might be able to light lamp, eat apples, and have a scrap. Laura Dickinson is potentially a major sleeper. Let’s go.
Fin
And that’s it, that’s all. Individual predictions are boring. We promise we’ll get the U SPORTS predictions out earlier (and prediction contest). Note: the dm’s are wide open on the runninghottakes instagram page. Fun facts from the teams definitely make these more fun.
Good luck out there. Wear a dang mask.
NT
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